36 years later - I feel totally crushed

I first started this post in early May because I knew I couldn't write it in one day. It makes me on the edge.

If you ask my family and friends to describe me, I am pretty sure that one word they wouldn't use is bitter. But currently that is how I feel about this particular subject. I am bitter and I am angry and I am sad. These are strange emotions for me.

20 years ago today my mum died - she left me again! The big 'C' ripped through her body at 49. She had breast cancer at 45 and was supposedly clear, until 4 years later when it spread like a wild fire. But, this is not what is making me feel all the feelings I described earlier. Of course I am sad, of course I am mad at the cancer for taking her life and amazingly I can't believe it has been 20 years.

BUT - for the first time in 40 years I am angry at her, I feel bitterness towards her. I want to go back to the way I felt a few months ago, but now that road has gone and I am on a different path, and I'm not sure how to turn around or how to move forward. Oh and yes, I am feeling guilty for having these feelings towards someone who has already passed away.

So why am I feeling like this? To cut a very long story short, my mother left my dad when I was 4 for another man, my dad had full custody of my older sister who was 12 and my older brother who was 10. I totally understand her leaving, she said she had fallen out of love with my dad and I really believe you only have one life, so you have to do all you can to make yourself happy. Its not this which makes me bitter either. My dad was the best parent I could have wanted, and even if I had the choice I would have chosen him.

When my mum left us, she moved to another country for this man. She did NOT see me for 3 years and then we saw her for 2 weeks and then we didn't see her again for another 3 years. This is what is causing me all the pain. As I look at my 4 year old daughter today, I don't get it, how could she have left us for 6 years. 6 years of not seeing milestones, for my brother and sister these were their teenage years. How the hell could she do this? My sister got it, she was angry at the time. Me, I lived in my own little world and was just happy to see her for those 2 weeks. But now, I am so angry. I want to ask her why? I want to ask her why she didn't persuade the man she loved to move near us, so that she could be around us?

Truly until my daughter was 3 and a half my parents divorce had never bothered me - and now 36 years later, I find myself crying whenever I think about it. Not just tears that roll gently down my cheek, actual big sobs. This month as her anniversary approached, relatives kindly reminded me that it is 20 years and each time I think about it, I break down.

I can't believe now, how she could have left us for so long. I am totally crushed by it. Don't get me wrong I know she had regrets. She lived in her second marriage with regrets, she knew she had made a mistake. She was unhappy with this man who treated her poorly, but felt she had to stay after what had happened with my father, she told relatives it was her penance.

The trouble is I am never going to get the answers I am looking for, both her and my father have passed away. So how do I go back to where I was before, not caring about the past? Or how do I move forward going along this new road? I am never going to get closure on this, on my question of why we were not important enough to see in 6 years? I know I just need to get over it and what is past is past. For sure I know it will never happen with me and my children and that is what I have to hold on to. I am just stuck in a sad place right now and it is so not like me and I just want to move forward and I don't know how.

Before you comment, (I wasn't sure whether to have closed the comment box) please don't tell me you're sorry, please don't tell me what a bad mother she sounds, because I am not sure I believe she was a bad mother - I really don't want to hear that and anyway I feel only my sister, my brother and I, can make that judgement and it would hurt me more. I only WANT comments on how I can move forward.

I am sick of Vick

He has spent 23 months in prison for dogfighting, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is out and will be working with The Humane Society of the US on their campaign against dogfighting. This exceptionally cruel dog murderer who originally pleaded "Not Guilty" to animal cruelty apparently showed remorse! REALLY? Remorse or sorry that he got caught? Or is he sorry that he went from revered athlete to convicted felon! I am sorry - I don't believe his remorse. Isn't it true that many serial killers start with killing animals.

I want to quote something from "Donna at BADRAP" who worked extensively with some of the rescued "Vick Dogs" and was involved with the case shortly after Vick was arrested.

"Everyone we worked with was deeply affected by the case. The details that got to me then and stay with me today involve the swimming pool that was used to kill some of the dogs. Jumper cables were clipped onto the ears of underperforming dogs, then, just like with a car, the cables were connected to the terminals of car batteries before lifting and tossing the shamed dogs into the water. Most of Vick's dogs were small - 40lbs or so - so tossing them in would've been fast and easy work for thick athlete arms. We don't know how many suffered this premeditated murder, but the damage to the pool walls tells a story. It seems that while they were scrambling to escape, they scratched and clawed at the pool liner and bit at the dented aluminum sides like a hungry dog on a tin can.

I wear some pretty thick skin during our work with dogs, but I can't shake my minds-eye image of a little black dog splashing frantically in bloody water ... screaming in pain and terror ... brown eyes saucer wide and tiny black white-toed feet clawing at anything, desperate to get ahold. This death did not come quickly. The rescuer in me keeps trying to think of a way to go back in time and somehow stop this torture and pull the little dog to safety. I think I'll be looking for ways to pull that dog out for the rest of my life."

Unfortunately this was just one of his methods of murdering his animals.

I am sickened and disappointed that the HSUS are thinking of using him, I am sorry to me its just a marketing ploy by 'Vick's people' to get him back in the NFL. For me I hope that the NFL will turn his back on him. There are so many great quarterbacks out there - I hope they don't invite him back.

I need to go back in time - just 30 seconds will do

You know there are moments in time when you wish you could go backwards just 30 seconds? Tonight was one of those moments as I watched my external hard drive get knocked to the floor by my son, breaking apart and not working anymore. It was one of those slow motion moments as I saw the box sliding across the table (he got his foot caught in the wire) and you hear yourself shouting "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO". Yes that was me 30 minutes ago.

Lets see what do I have on my hard drive:-
About 100 GB worth of photos - yes 100 GB - every single photo I have taken since 2004 including all the commercial photos.
All the movies of the kids
20 GB of Digital Scrapbooking stuff
Artwork from various projects
Taxes
Business info
Pretty much my whole life for the last 5 years.

You know when you either think I am going to harm my child or cry? Cry its better for both of you.

You know when you are in the middle of a project and you are using your hard drive not your computer to save it, because you want to keep a back up - that was my back up.

You know when you think you are going to throw up - thats me right now - UGH!

Make mine an Altoid

We managed to have no crying at Preschool from Charlie today. Woo hoo! However my daughter announced today that in school they say "ah mint". I corrected her and said no I think you mean "Amen", no she said "Its ah mint". "I really think its Amen" I said. She turned to me and said "No mummy its definitely Ah Mint".

I love her!

Some Days

There are some days I just want to sit on the sofa, without a child sitting on me or a dog.

There are some days I just want to go to the toilet without a child joining me.

There are some days I just want to lie in bed without a child or a dog laying on me.

There are some days I just want to sit watching the TV on my own.

There is NEVER a day, I want to be alone without them.

What Color Crayon Are You?

I did this fun quiz at blogthings You Are a Red Crayon

Your world is colored with bright, vivid, wild colors. You have a deep, complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself. Bold and dominant, you are a natural leader. You have an energy that is intense... and sometimes overwhelming. Your reaction to everything tends to be strong. You are the master of love-hate relationships. Your color wheel opposite is green. Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy.

What Color Crayon Are You?

Awesome

The very thoughtful Septembermom over at My Voice, My View gave me an award. That's 2 awards in one week how awesome is that. Oh and the award is this - 'Queen of ALLL Things Awe-Summmm!'

According to this award's rules, I have to list seven awesome things about myself. This is going to take some time because I really only think I am awesome at one thing, (number 1 on my list).

So here you go:-

1. I produce damn fine looking kids! Of course I need my husbands help on that one and I know I am tooting my own horn, they have natural beauty and I can't believe how "Awe-Summm" they are. See below.
2. I make a pretty good quiche.
3. I would like to think that I am a pretty good friend. Once you become my friend I am loyal and have friends going back to my childhood. I hate to let go - even if its only a Christmas card once a year.
4. I have an awesome memory for dates in my life. In fact so does my dad and my sister. We can tell you what day and what month certain events happened in our lives. My husband thinks its hilarious, when I say things like "Oh that happened when we were sailing on the Norfolk Broads in August, 1977, I think it may have been the Tuesday" - sometimes he calls me Rainman.
5. Because of the above I remember everyones birthday.
6. Don't get me started on the history of pit bulls I could either bore you to death or inspire you to love them, I can literally give you a half hour lecture, with dates on the history of the breed. OH and just in case you didn't know I love my 2 rescued pit bulls.
7. I have the desire to be an awesome photographer but the truth is I think there is a special something that really, really good photographers have. For a start every great photographer I know is really "anal" about their photography and I am so NOT! Wildlife photographers will sit in their lair waiting for days/weeks/months to get that perfect shot. I just don't have that patience.

Ok so now I have to tag 7 bloggers. As I already tagged a few awesome bloggers last week I am going on a different tactic.

• Rachel is a fabulous photographer and I think she might even admit she is anal - plus I used her photo of Charlie.
• Valerie just found me - she's a Brit and is super sweet.
• The Muse - love word games - go and check her out - she is a designer and does great trash to treasure posts.
• Roshni at Not a Science Geek - one very intelligent woman who has the most amazing parents - who do so much for their community
• Anna See - over at An inch of Gray - I have only recently discovered her and I love her writing
• U Know Who - over at the Devils Daughter in Law - think you have a bad mother in law - check out some of these horror stories.
• Kate - over at the Big Piece of Cake - If you haven't got over to Kate's yet you are missing out, she is funny, she loves Anthropologie (the store and so do I) but most of all she is very supportive.

So thank you again Septembermom - just an add on - I am not awesome at leaving my son at preschool and not breaking out in a cold sweat, tears etc. as I leave :(

Our First Day

It was my first official day at work yesterday. As first day's go it was great and I worked 8-12.

It was also the 1st day for the kids at another new preschool. Molly-Mae rushed in and in usual fashion was straight into playing and talking to other kids. Charlie on the other hand was a completely different story. Ever since I had those 3 days in Colorado in April, Charlie has been really clingy and a little naughty. I think it is my punishment for leaving him. He cried as I left, which I was expecting. Molly-Mae then told me he cried pretty much the whole day. He cried because he peed his pants, he cried because the other kids laughed at him for telling them he loved his mummy and daddy (according to Molly-Mae - that was a stab in the heart), and he cried when he had to move to the other class room, leaving Molly-Mae. At least when I picked him up he wasn't crying.

Today was the same story, this time as I left him I myself had a few tears in my eyes. Let me just say I understand Kari's sentiments in "I left my heart at preschool".

Don't get me wrong I know it will get better and it may take a couple of weeks or even a couple of months but it still doesn't make it any easier.

Doggy tales or is tails

In honor of an award I was given this week from my friends over at The Woofgang I thought I would post a doggy tale.

This swiss cheese lawn is what our garden currently looks like - thank you gophers.


Then Macy gets a hold of the soil with her teeth, and digs and digs in that terrier way and makes it about 2 feet wide.

See all those soil patches in the photo below, that is all the holes she has made. Then she will guard a particular hole until one of the kids comes along and then they get a muddy, sloppy kiss.

Then she might get an extra special hug - check out Charlie's new haircut. He looks like a totally different boy now.

Charlie doesn't get all the love Molly-Mae gets a lick or two too!

So thank you gophers for making my kids fall over all the time with the big divets that are now in our lawn.

Check out Jane and her 2 woofers; Daisy (you got to love this puppy) and Boomer. Thank you for the award which I am so truly grateful for.

So I am going to pass this on to other dog owners and dog blogs.
Life with dogs
Feet off the table - check out this post of her St Bernard's make over
Sheila over at maviefolle she has a St Bernard and a Golden
Vick Dog Blog - You have to check out this blog - Remember Michael Vick and what he did to his dogs - well this blog gives you inspiration - the photos and tales of how these dogs are doing in just fantastic
A Lil Welsh Rarebit - check out these photos of her little Foo and her black lab Dublin
Bad Rap Blog - This incredible organization turns dogs from victims into ambassadors. Sometimes these stories break my heart. The rescuers are saints in my eyes.

If you are a dog owner and you are reading this consider yourself tagged for the award.

A lesson in English by Molly-Mae aged 4

While driving along the other day my daughter was talking to me about a friends pet.

MM - Remember when we saw their mouses.
Me - Mice, when there is more than one they are called mice.
MM - Why are they called mice.
Me - Because sometimes when there is more than one of something it is called a different word, and sometimes the word just has an S added to it. Like more than one child is children, and more than one horse is ... (I wait for her to tell me).
MM - Ponies

(Why the heck is the English Language so complicated, I meant for her to say horses).

Just so that you all know even though I have a Masters degree I am grammatically challenged and never use the correct grammar or bother to spell check my posts - as some of you may have read that horrendous error from the other day. That's why I had 2 English teacher friends correct my thesis for my masters.

Guest Post Virgin

Today I lose my guest posting virginity! Yes, Christy over at A Lil' Welsh Rarebit asked me if I would write a guest post for her. Once I got over the shock of being asked I pondered over what I could possibly write about. As Christy's husband, Matt is Welsh and I grew up in Wales I thought about the beauty of Wales and how on one fine day I managed to spoil it. So go over to A Lil' Welsh Rarebit and read about my most embarrassing moment ever. In fact I am only brave enough to put it on her website.

Not by the hair on my chinny, chin, chin

Firstly thank you for all the birthday wishes, the day was fabulous.

So look at this thing - this appeared on my chin, no I am not talking about the dime, I am talking about that flippin huge hair, that is the diameter of the dime. Just because I turned 40 doesn't mean I can turn back into cat woman - what the heck!

Also do you think that someone, anyone, could have mentioned to me that there is a whisker poking out of my face. Seriously, friends, I wouldn't have minded, all you had to do was say "Heather, unless you pull that hair out you are going to turn into a gibbon". Or "Heather you appear to be turning into a cat - do you need that for putting your head into small spaces?"
Really, I would not be offended I would rather know about it than find it at dinner and then continue to try and pull it out discreetly for at least 15 minutes. That is, as discreet as you can be when you are tugging at a small fibre optic cable that is picking up the wireless signal from the laptop!

So my friends - please in the future, tell me of my afflictions. Before my chin hairs poke you from 6 feet away.