I first started this post in early May because I knew I couldn't write it in one day. It makes me on the edge.
If you ask my family and friends to describe me, I am pretty sure that one word they wouldn't use is bitter. But currently that is how I feel about this particular subject. I am bitter and I am angry and I am sad. These are strange emotions for me.
20 years ago today my mum died - she left me again! The big 'C' ripped through her body at 49. She had breast cancer at 45 and was supposedly clear, until 4 years later when it spread like a wild fire. But, this is not what is making me feel all the feelings I described earlier. Of course I am sad, of course I am mad at the cancer for taking her life and amazingly I can't believe it has been 20 years.
BUT - for the first time in 40 years I am angry at her, I feel bitterness towards her. I want to go back to the way I felt a few months ago, but now that road has gone and I am on a different path, and I'm not sure how to turn around or how to move forward. Oh and yes, I am feeling guilty for having these feelings towards someone who has already passed away.
So why am I feeling like this? To cut a very long story short, my mother left my dad when I was 4 for another man, my dad had full custody of my older sister who was 12 and my older brother who was 10. I totally understand her leaving, she said she had fallen out of love with my dad and I really believe you only have one life, so you have to do all you can to make yourself happy. Its not this which makes me bitter either. My dad was the best parent I could have wanted, and even if I had the choice I would have chosen him.
When my mum left us, she moved to another country for this man. She did NOT see me for 3 years and then we saw her for 2 weeks and then we didn't see her again for another 3 years. This is what is causing me all the pain. As I look at my 4 year old daughter today, I don't get it, how could she have left us for 6 years. 6 years of not seeing milestones, for my brother and sister these were their teenage years. How the hell could she do this? My sister got it, she was angry at the time. Me, I lived in my own little world and was just happy to see her for those 2 weeks. But now, I am so angry. I want to ask her why? I want to ask her why she didn't persuade the man she loved to move near us, so that she could be around us?
Truly until my daughter was 3 and a half my parents divorce had never bothered me - and now 36 years later, I find myself crying whenever I think about it. Not just tears that roll gently down my cheek, actual big sobs. This month as her anniversary approached, relatives kindly reminded me that it is 20 years and each time I think about it, I break down.
I can't believe now, how she could have left us for so long. I am totally crushed by it. Don't get me wrong I know she had regrets. She lived in her second marriage with regrets, she knew she had made a mistake. She was unhappy with this man who treated her poorly, but felt she had to stay after what had happened with my father, she told relatives it was her penance.
The trouble is I am never going to get the answers I am looking for, both her and my father have passed away. So how do I go back to where I was before, not caring about the past? Or how do I move forward going along this new road? I am never going to get closure on this, on my question of why we were not important enough to see in 6 years? I know I just need to get over it and what is past is past. For sure I know it will never happen with me and my children and that is what I have to hold on to. I am just stuck in a sad place right now and it is so not like me and I just want to move forward and I don't know how.
Before you comment, (I wasn't sure whether to have closed the comment box) please don't tell me you're sorry, please don't tell me what a bad mother she sounds, because I am not sure I believe she was a bad mother - I really don't want to hear that and anyway I feel only my sister, my brother and I, can make that judgement and it would hurt me more. I only WANT comments on how I can move forward.