I first started this post in early May because I knew I couldn't write it in one day. It makes me on the edge.
If you ask my family and friends to describe me, I am pretty sure that one word they wouldn't use is bitter. But currently that is how I feel about this particular subject. I am bitter and I am angry and I am sad. These are strange emotions for me.
20 years ago today my mum died - she left me again! The big 'C' ripped through her body at 49. She had breast cancer at 45 and was supposedly clear, until 4 years later when it spread like a wild fire. But, this is not what is making me feel all the feelings I described earlier. Of course I am sad, of course I am mad at the cancer for taking her life and amazingly I can't believe it has been 20 years.
BUT - for the first time in 40 years I am angry at her, I feel bitterness towards her. I want to go back to the way I felt a few months ago, but now that road has gone and I am on a different path, and I'm not sure how to turn around or how to move forward. Oh and yes, I am feeling guilty for having these feelings towards someone who has already passed away.
So why am I feeling like this? To cut a very long story short, my mother left my dad when I was 4 for another man, my dad had full custody of my older sister who was 12 and my older brother who was 10. I totally understand her leaving, she said she had fallen out of love with my dad and I really believe you only have one life, so you have to do all you can to make yourself happy. Its not this which makes me bitter either. My dad was the best parent I could have wanted, and even if I had the choice I would have chosen him.
When my mum left us, she moved to another country for this man. She did NOT see me for 3 years and then we saw her for 2 weeks and then we didn't see her again for another 3 years. This is what is causing me all the pain. As I look at my 4 year old daughter today, I don't get it, how could she have left us for 6 years. 6 years of not seeing milestones, for my brother and sister these were their teenage years. How the hell could she do this? My sister got it, she was angry at the time. Me, I lived in my own little world and was just happy to see her for those 2 weeks. But now, I am so angry. I want to ask her why? I want to ask her why she didn't persuade the man she loved to move near us, so that she could be around us?
Truly until my daughter was 3 and a half my parents divorce had never bothered me - and now 36 years later, I find myself crying whenever I think about it. Not just tears that roll gently down my cheek, actual big sobs. This month as her anniversary approached, relatives kindly reminded me that it is 20 years and each time I think about it, I break down.
I can't believe now, how she could have left us for so long. I am totally crushed by it. Don't get me wrong I know she had regrets. She lived in her second marriage with regrets, she knew she had made a mistake. She was unhappy with this man who treated her poorly, but felt she had to stay after what had happened with my father, she told relatives it was her penance.
The trouble is I am never going to get the answers I am looking for, both her and my father have passed away. So how do I go back to where I was before, not caring about the past? Or how do I move forward going along this new road? I am never going to get closure on this, on my question of why we were not important enough to see in 6 years? I know I just need to get over it and what is past is past. For sure I know it will never happen with me and my children and that is what I have to hold on to. I am just stuck in a sad place right now and it is so not like me and I just want to move forward and I don't know how.
Before you comment, (I wasn't sure whether to have closed the comment box) please don't tell me you're sorry, please don't tell me what a bad mother she sounds, because I am not sure I believe she was a bad mother - I really don't want to hear that and anyway I feel only my sister, my brother and I, can make that judgement and it would hurt me more. I only WANT comments on how I can move forward.
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My parents divorced when I was 13. My dad was living in another state (with another woman) and my Mom was moving away from our childhood home (and in with her boyfriend). My brothers and I were torn between the 2 and decided to live with my dad snd his gf. Ever since the divorce, the relationship with our parents has been strained. I don't know that we'll ever be able to repair the damage that has been done and they are both still living, but I sure as hell know that I don't want that kind of life for my children.
In my life I have to remember that my children are affected by every decision that my husband and I make for them. If we aren't getting along (usually just the little stuff) they sense that. I think it's hard for people who have never been in such a position to understand the feelings associated with divorce and separation. For a while when I was a teenager, I saw a therapist but I don't think I got much out of it then.
I always say that things happen for a reason, but sometimes the road to peace is long and hard. Good luck Heather and I trust that you will find peace with this. :)
Heather, when you told me yesterday you had a soulful post coming today, I had no idea...I am not sure I have any constructive advice, but here's my two cents anyway. YOU are a fantastic mum. And wife. And daughter. You are the center of your kid's world. I know you will be there for them through thick and thin.
I know just how much harder it is to put advice into action, but seriously, getting involved in something, anything, when sad and negative thoughts enter your mind can be so helpful. I know you've just started a new job, so that's some new mental stimulation that should be good for you. I know you like to bike, so maybe trying to get back into that on a regular basis would be good for you. Since Nic is gone so much, perhaps you could enlist a babysitter or you could swap sitting with another mum in your area so you can get some 'you time'. Biking, pedicures, long walks on the beach...whatever helps you feel better.
It helps me to have a counter-thought already prepared in my head. I have issues too - I think we probably all do. One of my issues is fear. So when I get scared in certain situations, I have a couple of mantras I can pull from my brain and repeat inside my head as often as necessary...that might help you too.
And I know you've also probably thought about this, but seriously - consider talking to a professional counselor. Not necessarily a shrink. I've done this once before when I was in a really low place and it totally helped...just having someone to talk to can help lift the weight off your shoulders. My dr also once prescribed me an anti-anxiety medicine and that really helped too....And in that vein, please, reach out to your friends and family too. I'm emailing you my contact info now. Maybe it would be easier to talk and sob on the phone to someone who hasn't met you (yet!) in real life.
I think it's just going to take time...but I am sure that you will bounce back. I'm positive!
Being the product of multi-marriage parents, I can say now that what it boils down to for me is fear. When my mom left us with our dad (said she would come back at the end of the school year, she didn't come back for 5 years), she missed a huge part of my growing up. It took years of she and I having knock down yelling fights before we were able to mend our relationship. I was so angry with her for choosing someone else over me. I was so mad at here for not having that "guarantee" that I would be alright.
I was lucky to have enough family involved in my day-to-day life to put the mafia to shame. I was always taken care of, I never went without. But years later, I discovered that one can have a great and fulfilling life, yet fill a big void. Check out Pia Melody. She worked with Ashley Judd a few years back with mom issues. My mom passed on some of her tapes to me, and they were great! They really helped.
As with everything else in life, this too shall pass. What you are feeling is healthy and the right thing for you! Your in my thoughts! Love ya!
Heather, I'm not sure I have any real advice, either, other than to ditto Christy and suggest seeing a therapist. It's their JOB to help you get past things like this.
I think it must be completely normal what you're feeling. And your daughter turning 4 makes perfect sense that it'd come up now. I can't imagine ever leaving my children, either. I just couldn't do it. You must be so hurt and angry and I don't blame you.
I don't know what else to say, I think this is already the kind of comment you didn't want. Good luck, Heather. Keep in mind, I'm just a few clicks away if you need to talk.
Hi Heather, As your big sister, I do understand your pain and confusion. I am still confused about too many things too.
However, as you know - I was wracked by anger, pain & bitterness for far too many years - those things took away my life for years. In fact I have only come to reach acceptance & peace within the last few years. You will too, but you need to grieve for what you feel that you have lost, it has been a long time coming, but I know that it will pass. Your grief is over her abandonment and the loss of a normal mother-daughter relationship. She always loved you,despite what she did and she wanted to take you (and only you)with her - but because of where she was going, she couldn't. You, of all of us, never lacked for love nor attention - it was heaped upon you in buckets, by everyone, friends, family, neighbours- I believe that is why you were more accepting of the situation as a young child.
My heart breaks for you, I don't want you to have to go through all the pain & hurt that I felt for all that time - but I am here, ALWAYS, day & night.
love, hugs & kisses
your big sis
Heather, I can't give you (and don't want to) any personal advice. All I can suggest is to talk about it with some one. The best persons I can think of is your sister and your husband.
Also, do remember that all the time you spend brooding about the past (though you are completely justified in doing so)is less time you spend in creating much happier memories with your own family! They are your present and future! Your mother is the past...please do bury it.
I hope my comments are not insensitive...I have little idea about how you are feeling as I have never been thru this personally.
Everyone makes mistakes - but it's really hard to understand why unless they are your own mistakes... Sounds like this is one you will never make. Hug your babies tight and know that they will never have these feelings you're experiencing now.
I can't imagine what could tear me away from my children for so long - let alone lure me...
There are not words of wisdom or advice for this one. You just have to feel what you feel and make your own way through it. And at least you have your children to keep the light burning at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
Much love to you.
Wow.
I think it's very brave of you to post this and to process your feelings on your blog. I am certainly not going to pass judgment on anyone's parenting, but my heart hurts for what you are feeling and going through. I wish that I had some wisdom or advice.
When I read that your Mom only saw you and your siblings for a couple weeks over six years, my first thought was that she must have been so devestated leaving her children, that she couldn't even bear to see you all.
As for moving on without really getting closure...I get that. My parents went through a divorce when I was 9, only to have my Dad die of cancer when I was 11. I've found that I've had to come to my own conclusions about their motivations during certain hurtful times of my life. Conclusions I can live with, and use to move on from. I worked through some of this in therapy recently too, so I can say that it does help to talk things through with someone.
Oh, one more thing... A friend recently told me about a simple technique in dealing with overwhelming emotions - just do the next thing. Think of what the next thing is that you have to do, and then do that thing, then the next thing, then the next thing. Those little next things can get you through tough days.
I kind of understand.
My dad suffers from Compulsive Hoarding Disorder. His stuff was always way more important than we were.
Until my youngest son was baptized (see, I was religious because of him, I wanted him to love me I wanted him to be proud of me, but that "stuff" always got in the way), I didn't have any hard feelings. I had no issues at all. I would defend him to the death. Then 2 1/2 years ago, he led me on this whole long crappy thing where I looked for plane tickets for him and tried to schedule the baptism so he could be there and did everything, for him to NOT SHOW UP. Even though religion was SO important to him.
Suddenly, everything became clear. EVERYTHING from my whole life. And I was SO angry. I didn't talk to him for about 6 months (I'm still a wuss, I told him our phone wasn't working, which was believable because we lived in Ghana). For someone who talked to him for about 2 hours once or twice a week, that was huge.
Then I walked around thinking that everything would be okay and that it was just a mistake (essentially I went through the whole process of grief). Then he didn't come to my daughter's Confirmation and I lost it. Lost faith, lost interest in him entirely.
It's really hard to explain here because there truly is so much tied up in all of those emotions - things that seem unrelated, but it's your life. It's your parent. It makes perfect sense to be angry - even 20 years later.
Seeing a therapist may help. I've never lived in a place long enough to take advantage of therapy. I usually just try to put everything into perspective and work through it myself.
I think the best way to cope with these feelings is to acknowledge that you have them. Don't feel bad about it if, every now and then, you need to vent them on whoever will listen. If you bottle them up, they will out one day, probably more violently than they should. You will feel better when you acknowledge the feelings...then say to yourself 'that was today, tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to leave those feelings in the yesterday box!' That way you can move into the new day. It won't be easy, but you need to know that we all have something like that in our lives. My parents divorced when I was 12. I have no brothers and sisters, so I carried the anger and sadness alone through the years. Like you, every now and then, the dragon raises its head, but I know that the pain will pass. God Bless,
Star
I don't think it judges your mother in any way to accept that you lost something - her presence in your life and her explanation of why she was absent. That is absolutely something to grieve. I don't know because I haven't been through this, but I can see how seeing your daughter reach the age that you were when your mom left would trigger the grief process.
Grief is slow and painful. I do know that and it often starts with anger. I think therapy is great for working through grief and I think writing is wonderful too. I'm so glad you had the courage to share some of this.
Heather, you said "I am not sure I believe she was a bad mother" ... I wonder if she also hurt inside.
Emotions ride high, please don't let them get distorted. Your own family needs you.
Blessings from me.
all I can say is to let yourself cry. I also try not to be bitter or hold grudges, but sometimes they just pop up on you. don't feel guilty for how you feel -- those feelings are yours alone and guilt is putting them on someone else. allow yourself to feel it.
I hope you are able to move with this as you need. your kids are adorable. use their cuteness to dry your tears when you need -- mine are good for that too!
ps. your blog is wonderful. I hope also you can continue to show such humanity here. and I hope to follow!
Having my children taught me some very important healing lessons. There is nothing any of them could EVER do that would have earned me leaving them. NEVER.
My mom, and any mom who can leave her children in the way yours and mine did, is missing something in her own self. Something is terribly missing and she looks to fill it, often through other relationships.
I would write her a letter, tell her how you are feeling now, the void in your life at missing her then and now. The sadness of never really being able to get the answers you deserve. Write about your children, because they remind you of what your mother could leave, that you never could.
Being honest about the pain, is a path to healing. Tell her the truth. She is not here for it to hurt her anymore, but it may release you and allow you to completely forgive her for her human frailty and her need to fill her own self up even if it emptied her children. It is not right that this happens to children. It is not right. Somehow I am sure she knew it, and it is okay to say this was not right or okay on her part. A mother has a responsibility to her children. They need her to take care of them. They need her to admit when she has failed. They need to be able to say how sad they are at the loss of her. She was not a bad person, she was frail, when her strength was what you needed the most.
Be kind to yourself as you heal. Without going into too much detail I had a similar experience with my mom and having a child brought a lot of things to the surface that I **thought** I had made peace with. Talk to someone. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.
Totally crushed is such a descriptive way of capturing how you are feeling right now. All of us who read this entry are hurting for you right now.
I'm not sure if I have good advice here about moving on, but here goes. Yesterday was the 21st anniv. of my own mom's death at 46.I know how feeling of loss come back in waves.
I wanted you to know that I have had mucho anger and pain regarding someone very close to me. These feelings centered on loss and betrayal and my feeling like I had been discarded. Some days it was too hard to get out of bed.
I think therapy is a good thing.
For me, what helped was forgiveness. I finally realized that forgiving IS NOT contigent on getting any sort of acknowlgement by the person who harmed you. It is not waiting for them to admit wrong or give restitution. It is just choosing to not let the anger and bitterness take over your life. It is moving forward. It is choosing forgiveness every day.I found that I couldn't do this on my own, but I got there through prayer by asking God to take the burden away from me. 8 years later, it is still gone.
I think writing about the pain and continuing to be the great mom that you are is a way of moving forward.
..by using YOUR spirit, YOUR fortitude, YOUR STRENGTH...those same characteristics which I see, each time I arrive here.
That which is within us...dictates the path of our healing and acceptance.
I will keep you in my prayers, Heather.
That's the big F word. Forgiveness. You recognize that you were hurt by real injuries and then you make the choice to forgive. You make a conscious choice over and over, and try to thank God for your mom in whatever way possible. Even if it's just the fact that she gave you life and so here you are. Try to imagine yourself arguing her case to God as if she was one of your children.Be her best advocate. Have that relationship with her now, in your thoughts, intentions and attitude.It's not denying your loss or grief. It's refocusing your energy and attitude.
You can never go back but forward can be so much better than that place in the past you thought was so good. Eventually, peace will come to you and a sense of joy will return.
Oops! I'm sorry! I just read that Blogtiquette says I should introduce myself before commenting on a blog. Please excuse my bad manners.
Hi my name is Diane. Just discovered your blog. I probably wouldn't have commented except that this is something I struggled with myself (different circumstances) for many years and I hope that what helped me could also help you.
Hi, my name is Tami.I just happened to stumble on this post and it really moved me. My parents divorced when I was young. Although my mother was there physically, I do not think she was there emotionally for me or my sisters. When my chidren hit the age of my parents divorce I had such a terrible break down. I too didnt mourn at the time things were happening. I ended up in counseling for about a year. She helped me sort thru the feelings and anger I had towards my mother. My best advice is to NOT keep your feelings bottled up. I feel as if I lost time with my own children during my mourning time and feel so guilty because of it. I would not like someone else to suffer like that.
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